The Big Game

Play-by-Play Guy: With about two and a half minutes left and the Little Rock Hudsons trailing the Waikiki Vandeweghes by 18, it looks like the Vans will be moving on to the next round. The Stars were the favorites at tipoff, but it will be the Vandeweghes facing the Scottsdale Carnegies in the championship game.

Crotchety Old Analyst: Not so fast, the momentum has shifted in the last several minutes.

PbPG (incredulous): How so?

COA: Well 7 of the last 10 times the ball has gone through the rim, the Hudsons put it there.

PbPG: I'm not sure I understand...

COA: You have to admit, it raises serious doubts about whether Waikiki can close the deal.

PbPG: While the stats you cited are in a sense accurate, the Hudsons hit six foul shots and a layup while the Vandeweghes knocked down three three-point shots. The Vans have actually increased their lead slightly during the period of the game you're discussing.

COA: That's a good point. You have to admire the offensive efficiency of the Hudsons.

PbPG (flustered): I don't think I implied that.

OMA: The Vans can't play in the paint. It's all well and good to hit threes in the semis, but only a team with a good post game can win in the Finals. You need high percentage shots to win. The inside game has been the foundation of the Bi-Coastal Conference for fifty years. They're not going to beat the Flyover Central League champ Carnegies without that.

PbPG: Regardless, the game is decided by the score.

COA (condescendingly): Is it?

PbPG: Yes.

COA: Ultimately though, the Hudsons have the better chance of beating the Carnegies. We've seen the Vans miss quite a few open looks. You think the Carnegies won't exploit that?

PbPG: Mathematically however it's virtually impossible for the Hudsons to catch up.

COA: You can't make that determination until all the baskets are counted.

PbPG: What are you talking about?

COA: The Hudsons had an outstanding shoot-around. It is wrong to disenfranchise those baskets.

PbPG: Now come on! We all knew when we started that those baskets wouldn't count. The Vans weren't even on the court during part of that time!

COA: That's why it's up to Conference officials to step in here and award this to the Hudsons. They can send the Vandeweghes home. They have the power to do this.

PbPG: Why would they invalidate the results of a fairly played game?

COA: Because the Conference needs a title badly. They don't want the Carnegies strutting around. Especially since the Crawford Brimleys of the Flyover Central League have been such abysmally bad champs. This is Bi-Coastal Conference's best chance to win it all.

PbPG: Shouldn't the rules we all agreed on at the beginning continue to mean something at the end?

COA: Hold my headset. I'm going to go move the goal.

FIN

Horrified/Horrifying

Heckuva Job, Bushie

Laura Bush today said in a press conference that the Burmese junta failed to adequately warn folks before the cyclone struck. Because no democratically elected government would ever dick around while a storm kills thousands. Also, the $250,000 in aide is totally inadequate for the type of infrastructure you need to survive a future storm of this magnitude. As any NFL owner could tell you, it costs at about 200 times that to build a decent dome which is by all indicators the best any government can do for its people during a catastrophic storm.

We call it "Bad Newz Stables"

I don't get all the gnashing and wailing over Eight Belles. In the horse fighting ring Dan Fouts and I run, those poor bastards break legs constantly.

eat 5 to 9 a day

so, i'm sitting at home listening to internet hockey and snacking on my peeled mini carrots from kroger. you with me? well, on the bag of peeled mini carrots from kroger is a logo that says "EAT 5 to 9 A DAY" and i've included that logo to the right. however, there's a problem: every fifth carrot i eat tastes bad.

i wanted to do it right, so i tried what anyone would try: good carrot, good carrot, good carrot, good carrot, BAD CARROT! i tried again: good carrot, good carrot, good carrot, good carrot, BAD CARROT! i tried this a bunch of times and every time it was good carrot, good carrot, good carrot, good carrot, BAD CARROT! on my final try, which JUST happened before this sentence started, i tried something else: good carrot, good carrot, good carrot, good carrot, GOOD PICKLE!

i'm left satisfied.

These open source developers have modest aspirations

Today I learned that the Firefox spell-checker recognizes the word "vagina" but not "vaginas."

one year anniversary

it's been exactly one year since four string samurai performed our first independent show. please congratulate us or wish us a happy smurfiversary.

we'll wait.

Link: NYT presents Mad Magazine fold-ins

About a month ago some blog or another linked to this interactive archive of Mad Magazine fold-ins in the NY Times. I enjoyed it immensely and promptly forgot about it until yesterday when in a conversation with my brother the topic of Mad came up. I explained that the archive is animated so you can drag the fold, to which he replied (slightly incredulous), "So you mean the folds actually line up?!" Indeed.

The Drinking Drinking Game

It's so hard to get amped up for a big night of drinking that honestly folks need a little motivation. And since Americans are winners, the best possible motivation is a game. Normally drinking games require you to have some cards or a specific movie or television show cued up. Not so the Drinking Drinking Game. The best part about the Drinking Drinking Game is that all you need to participate is some people who are drinking. Not only do they not have to be involved, it works best if they have no idea what's going on!

• Any time someone takes a sip, takes a sip.
  
• If someone with a cigarette says, "I don't smoke... normally" take a drink.
  
• Any time someone asks what you're drinking, take a sip. If your drink is in a clearly labeled bottle, take a drink. If it's the only option available or if the person asking is drinking the same thing, finish your drink.
  
• Any time someone tells an anecdote about a previous drinking experience, take a drink. If said experience occurred in college and the person is more than five years removed from graduation, finish your drink.
  
• Any time someone raises the roof or says "Woooo!" ironically, take a sip. If done unironically, leave without finishing your drink.
  
• If someone asks you to "Wait right here!" finish your drink slowly over the ten or fifteen minutes it takes you to realize that she's not coming back.
  
• Any time someone changes the music, and the new selection is worse than the previous one, finish your drink.
  
• Any time the conversation turns to politics or religion take your drink to another room.
  
• Any time you finish a drink, get another drink.

Feel free to adapt the rules to fit the peculiarities of the folks you drink with, or to submit additional rules via comments.

This has gone on almost long enough!

For April Fool's Day I switched one of my coworker's google settings to return only pages in Danish. This is very funny because he doesn't speak Danish, which you would know if you worked here. He also doesn't like to ask for help with his computer. He tries to hide it when he doesn't understand something. You know the type I'm talking about, or at least you would if you worked here.

It was very funny to watch him knowing that he was getting all this Denmark stuff on his computer. He was scratching his head and he made his browser text size bigger. This doesn't address the problem, at least not in Internet Explorer. He uses IE 5.5 which is hilarious if you know anything about browsers.

Anyway, today I noticed a gash an inch deep on his head and blood and hair and skin under the fingernail of his index finger. That's the finger he uses to scratch his head when he doesn't understand something. You'd know that if you worked here.

When I walked by, his IE 5.5 font size was so big he could only display one letter on the screen. It looked like this:

ø

i'll take mine with a fried egg

in reality, i was asleep before it aired, but by the power of the internet, i got to see jon stewart interview obama and was really happy to see the primanti's plug at the very end - SPOILER ALERT! stewart didn't pronounce it like a pittsburgher (he said it more like it was a british pub or something), but whatever. i hope obama went dahn to the strip at 2am last night. can you imagine being drunk and hungry and seeing obama ordering a cap n cheese? high fives would certainly be in order.

lots of eyes are on my home state of pennsylvania today.

The tenuous nature of politics, or, Scholastic rivalries that 99.9% of the nation could give a crap about

Today's Clinton itinerary:

The two [Hillary and Chelsea Clinton] will also be at Haverford College at 2 p.m. for a "conversation with families" at Founders Hall, 370 Lancaster Ave.

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo! Haverford! If I were there I'd have her autograph my plush black squirrel! Then we could split a plate of sweet potato fries! Senator Clinton totally has my vote!

Chelsea Clinton will also be at Swarthmore College at 11 a.m.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooo! Swat sucks! Gratuitous link dumping on their defunct crappy football program! You've lost my vote forever!

I'm throwing my support behind Jeff T-F.

Papal Bull#$*@

While listening to the radio this morning, I heard a story having to do with the pope's visit to the U.S. The commentator noted the differences between Pope Now (Benedict XVI) and Pope Before (John Paul II) and said that contrary to conventional wisdom, Pope Now wasn't as "strict" as people thought he might be when he was elected.

He then told a story about how Pope Before was more or less a rock star in this country (as well as others), but how that status didn't necessarily translate into greater devotion and obedience from America's Catholics.

The best line was a comment from a 20-something Catholic girl who, after hearing a papal address by John Paul II, was asked about the contradiction between the pope's preaching against pre-marital sex and her generation's fondness for said sexual activities: "Well, he's entitled to his opinion."

I would pay many, many dollars to see someone tell God's mouthpiece on earth that he's entitled to his opinion. But maybe that's because I'm Jewish.

(Aside: Happy Birthday, Pope! We know you're an avid reader, and we didn't want you to think that we forgot. We got you something really nice on Amazon.com, but it won't arrive for 3-5 business days. Of course, you could speed that up if you really wanted to. Just sayin'...)

Today I'm also linking to people analyzing the funny in very academic ways

While I'm at, Troy Patterson does a good job at Slate discussing what he calls "flabby satire. Then he and his readers delve a little deeper in chat form. It's all very interesting stuff, and makes me wonder about satire as a form and what's funny in general. So much of comedy comes from recognizing what's being said that simply repeating the cliche without any real reflection or depth is frequently the most economical way to "be funny."

[Full disclosure: I've done some lazy stuff of that sort on this blog, but then again I'm currently writing in my ostensibly free time to an audience consisting almost entirely of people who know me primarily as a means to make them come to this page and see my upcoming show times because it beats emailing people--hopefully folks get a chuckle and I get to be a little less diligent about asking folks to come out; I'd like to think I'd be a little more rigorous if this were my job. This is possibly self-deception or a poor excuse, but probably true. There's only one way to find out, folks who might hire me to write comedy professionally!]

In any case, I'm very predisposed to agree with the article because I made largely the same point almost ten years ago about SNL. My words were slightly different: "All parody, no satire." But they mean largely the same thing. It's comedy creation through a series of approximations and exaggerations of those approximations until the original gets lost. (Doonsbury sort-of-mocks-but-sort-of-participates in this by reducing politicians to little avatars rather than drawing caricatures. Bush is an asterisk, Clinton a waffle, Gingrich a bomb with a very short fuse, etc) What happens however is that eventually the comedians in a battle against the comedic law of diminishing returns end up exaggerating their own performances rather than continuing to build in an honest way on real world events (see also Carvey, Dana--George Herbert Walker Bush impression and). The results are often funny (again see Carvey, Dana) but cannot be considered "political satire" in any sense. Because the fiction conforms to our expectation better than the reality ever could, however, we now have a president that will likely be as remembered for something that he never said ("Strategery") as any of the ludicrous things he has said. That's mighty funny as sort of a society-wide art piece on collective memory, but it still isn't political satire.

Ultimately however the problem is that a high percentage of satire isn't funny and, even as one recognizes the inherent problems, the dumbed-down stuff is. It's great to explore the absurdities and ironies of politics on an individual basis, but when people try to do it for the masses it can often be a little cloying and self-important and self-congratulatory, or, alternately, blunt and crude and self-evident. Much like politics itself (which is a trite little self-important and self-evident joke itself). I'm reminded of the old feminist slogan "The personal is political"--there was more honest critique in Will Ferrell's "I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS" guy than in all of his perfectly crafted faux-Bushisms. It feels more genuine to turn the lens on ourselves and expose our own foibles and in so doing critique our values and the power structures--familial, occupational, social--that influence our daily lives (see also Mooney, Paul--Word Association sketch and).

By the way this was not entirely an attempt to own the whole front page of the Four String blog. Not entirely anyway.

Today I'm linking to other funny people rather than making with the funny myself

Nerve.com and IFC compiled what they determined to be the 50 Greatest Comedy Sketches of all Time. What changes this from the typical list-ism so culturally pervasive right now to an absolutely essential link is that many entries contain video. I can't wait to get home from work and watch a bunch of these--many of them are old favorites of mine but there are also plenty I've never seen. I wouldn't even know how to put together my list, but their top 4 are awfully hard to argue against.

Reuters "Oddly Enough" section: a laugh a minute!

Who doesn't enjoy some weird news? After all the "sub-prime this" and "there were no survivors that" which one normally finds in the news, it's nice to kick back with some goofy stories. Maybe a cat made friends with an alligator. Maybe a three year old can beat Wall Street analysts by circling stocks with an Elmo marker. Maybe a cat made friends with a rhino. Seriously, you never know what you're going to get when you hit the weird news section as far as subject matter, but you do know you're going to get a laugh and a reprieve from the dark clouds of the front page.

Let's see what's up with Reuters while I employ the narrative device of pretending to type my reactions in real time in order to make a greater didactic point!

Berlusconi's sexism chafes as Italian vote looms: Hee hee! He has sex chafes! Try a little KY, Silvio. Wait a minute--sexism? That's not funny. Let's keep looking.

Hair salon scalps customers: Umm, this article is about forcing people to stay in a salon for hours against their consent in attempt to extort them for more money after a bait-and-switch on the price of a haircut. But the title is a pun! "Scalp" is a hair word! That's got to count for something, right? On second thought I'm going to move on.

Duck gets "order of protection" after attack: Now this is more like it! A duck in the court system. "Here I have thousands of letters, all addressed to Donald." Miracle on Thirty-Fowl Street! Except reading a little further I see that the duck was a pet and that a neighbor was abusing it and shooting it with a pellet gun. I think I'm going to cry. Ducks are cute.

Witchdoctor killings condemned: I think I know how this will turn out, but I'll at least look at the lede. I've come this far.

Tanzania's President Jakaya Kikwete has condemned witchdoctors who kill albinos and harvest their body parts in the hope it will bring prosperity.

I think I'll go back to reading about the sub-prime crisis.

The game will most likely be won by the team that can put the ball in the basket more often (adjusting for the relative values of different baskets)

Tyler Hansbrough called last night's loss to Kansas "frustrating." Some people might have called it "heartbreaking" but not Tyler Hansbrough. Tyler Hansbrough's heart does not break. I have never seen Tyler Hansbrough's heart take a play off. Tyler Hansbrough's heart works as hard or harder than any other player's heart in the country. I've seen Michael Jordan's heart, I've seen Mateen Cleaves' heart, I've seen Steve Wojciechowski's heart, and none of their hearts hearted any harder than Tyler Hansbrough's heart, night in and night out.

CONTAINS SPOILERS!

Most people don't know that the shows that Four String Samurai does on stage are actually the shows within the shows, or the "mise en abyme" as the incredibly nerdy might call it. You know, it's the same as the technique used by Shakespeare in Hamlet ("The play's the thing") and Gary Shandling in The Larry Sanders Show and a bunch of other stuff. So the meta show is us hanging around and doing stuff and preparing for the show within the show that we put on stage roughly once a month. We also drive around in a van and solve mysteries.

What you didn't know when you started reading the previous 102 words was that all of that was prologue for this, the release of the 4SS season 5 spoilers!

• A new member joins the group who knows more about '60s R&B, soul, and proto-punk than Paul! Is this the start of a beautiful friendship, or is there only room in Four String for one person with obscure taste in old music?
  
• Ben places Chris on an exacting calisthenics regimen. Has he gone too far, or is this just what the doctor ordered?
  
• The guys learn an important lesson about fire safety from Purple Feather recording artists The Donnas.
  
• It just so happens that Bret is a corpse that only moves when music plays like Bernie does that one weekend. What happens when Eric and his piano go out of town for a few weeks?
  
• Ryan learns to astrally project himself thousands of miles. Will he use this new-found power for good... or evil?
  
• The group has their toughest mystery yet. They can only solve it with the help of this week's guests, the Harlem Globetrotters!

Global media domination

According to sitemeter, our traffic is twice what it was a month ago. Based on this "doubling every month" trend, our traffic will rival that of Facebook in about a year. I've included a graph to illustrate future projections.

So thank you for reading. And if you want to invest, the offer stands.

The secret of my success

Oh hi. I didn't hear you come in. My name is Christopher, but you can call me by my graffitoist name, Pup Luv. After seeing a particularly choice graffito of mine, young graffitoists will come up to me and say, "Hey Christopher" and I'll say, "My name is Christopher, but you can call me by my graffitoist name, Pup Luv." Then they will inevitably say, "Hey Pup Luv, can you tell me some secrets? I want to make a graffito as good as yours." Then I will say, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Then they will convince me that they are not a cop, and I will tell them my secrets.

These folks focus on the smooth bubbles of my letters and the straightness of the lines that I intend to be straight, and the perfect spacing of it all. It is then I share my secret:


That's right, the rolling ruler. This classy measurement device is a protractor, a compass, a ruler, and a rolling ruler all in one. When you're in a men's room stall and find it's time to unsheathe your sharpie and stick it to a harpy, it's rolling ruler time. The rolling ruler is perfect for marking your small scale trail.

"But Christopher," you might say, and I would reply, "My name is Christopher, but you can call me by my graffitoist name, Pup Luv." "Pup Luv," you say, "I saw a graffito of yours just today, and it covered an entire wall, and a large one at that, and it was rolling ruler perfect." "Aha!" I would say.

I would say "Aha!" because of this:


These images are not to scale. The second one is of my giant client, the jumbo rolling ruler. It is twelve feet long. The holes are big enough to accommodate a spray can nozzle. It is the real deal, Banana Peel.

But what about the quieter times? When I feel the need for an evening auto-erotic graffito experience, I reach for this:


That is the one-inch-long-with-the-inch-divided-into-twelfths rolling ruler. When I want to tag my bag but also need to measure than angle of my dangle to get it right, Dwight, I know I can trust my one-inch-long-with-the-inch-divided-into-twelfths rolling ruler because of its precision protractor.

Since you let yourself in (remember I didn't hear you come in) please feel to show yourself out. Just remember next time you're out at a fine store to seek out your new rolling ruler, preferably in all three sizes. You could tell them Christopher sent you because my name is Christopher, but you can call me by my graffitoist name, Pup Luv. They'll know me be the latter.

mimicking the master

this dog learned to pray, and yet we still can't get bret to post to this blog.

Stop the madness...

The word bracket has become like tiny grains of sand in my ass crack.

Warning: This Post Contains Capitalization

The videos from Saturday's show have finally been uploaded, and can be seen on our YouTube page that I just made. The videos are also available on our facebook page.

Bios are also on the site as well... both the videos and bios are now linked to the right. You might notice that Bret and Eric do not have bios and the rest of us do. We don't know why.

You might also notice that Bret has never posted (there's currently a poll going on whether or not he ever will). As a Duke alum, maybe he'll have something witty to say about how they barely squeaked by 15th seeded BELMONT!

I'm Surrounded by Brackets!

More things in this world should be decided by 64-team winner-take-all tournaments, where viewers of said tournaments are forced to come up with creative excuses to avoid going to work in order to watch.

Unfortunately, I have no creative excuse. Instead, I am resigned to having up to 7 different ESPN browsers open at any one time so that I can follow the trials and tribulations of the gutsy Portland State Vikings, the feisty Winthrop Eagles, the scrupulous Belmont Bruins, and the downright Machiavellian Oral Roberts OralRobertsons.

(It's actually the Oral Roberts Golden Eagles, which is a HUGE improvement over the Winthrop Plain Jane Run-of-the-Mill Eagles. Those guys are pretty lame.)

In other news, the sports bar I used to frequent has been converted into Barack Obama's Chapel Hill headquarters. I hope they kept that old hockey game...you know the one that I'm talking about, where you controlled your players using long rods that you could spin and get the players to spin around. Remember it now? The game where you could play US vs. USSR and hit the "Boo" button 100 times. That game might have been one of the biggest contributors to the downfall of Communism and the Soviet Union, along with Rocky IV, that Reagan guy, and decades of pent-up demand for general consumer products that actually worked.

Advice from articles in the hygiene subsection of wikihow.com (The How-to Manual YOU Can Edit)

The internet truly is the great wonder of our time. It's like all of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World combined (excepting the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, which I don't believe to have ever existed--but debunking history is a job for another time). With the greatness of the internet however comes the greatness of responsibility and no responsibility is greater than sharing your greatness. That's why collaborative tools like Wikipedia are all the rage. But lost somewhere in the shadows is Wikipedia's scrappy little cousin, Wikihow. Wikihow collects the greatest minds that are not already contributing to Wikipedia (or about.com or really into World of Warcraft or in any other way occupied) and lets them teach you how to accomplish a variety of everyday tasks in ways you might not have considered. This is the Information Superhighway at its best: written and edited by people who still say "Information Superhighway."

Without any further ado, I present the best the hygiene subsection of wikihow.com has to offer:

• Turn on the tap, but don't wet your hands.
  
  
• Have doctors wipe off stethoscopes before putting them on you.
  
  
• Use 100% cotton gloves. Wool will irritate the face (should you try to touch) and nylon might get a runner.
  
  
• Chances are, your breath is not as bad as you think it is. Ask someone you trust (and will give you an honest answer) if they think you have bad breath.
  
  
• Don't eat food that has been sitting out all day. This includes salads, pizza slices, cakes, sandwiches, meats etc.
  
  
• Get a tissue (paper handkerchief). The softer tissues are great, such as those impregnated with aloe vera.
  
  
• Wear a t-shirt, you can't smell it through a longsleeve shirt.
  
  
• If another person's waste has been sitting in still water for any amount of time, then it more than likely is unsanitary.
  
  
• Draw the floss through the pimple again to remove any residue.
  
  
• Girls do NOT like it! They do not want to kiss a guy with a ring around his mouth.
  
  
• Avoid any thoughts about letting out pee. Do not to think of anything that may make you want to pee more.
  
  
• General rule of thumb: if you have a taste in your mouth, however light, you have bad breath. This only applies during periods of time when you aren't eating.
  
  
• If you have the cash, get some cashmere sweaters. They look nice.
  
  
• It's recommended that you only follow this when it is really important to not have a stuffy nose, or if you are over 15.

Video terrorist...

Yes, terrorist is a strong word, but it also reminds me of the words "terrier" and "barista", which is neither here nor there. The fact is: someone on this "team" is holding our future hostage. That "someone" is bald.....and is named Ryan.

If you have bothered, like hundreds of other Americans, to check our facebook page this week, you will have likely seen a video called "Four String Salesman - Shoe Salesman Picnic". Which should probably be titled "look_at_me!_I'm_the_best_improviser_in_the world_ever!!!_My_name_is_Ryan_and_I'm_available_for_a_t.v._show,
_or_corporate_gigs,_or_birthday_parties_cuz_I'm_so_funny_you'd_
be_stupid_not_to_hire_me._What,_those_guys
_in the_shadows?_They're_my_groupies.
Did_I_mention_that_i_lived_in_Chicago.WMV"

The party in question (Ryan) has stated that he's "tried" to upload the whole video, but has received an "error" message and hasn't been able to fix things. Oh yeah? What did the message say Ryan? "Rest of show too hilarious for the internet. May lead to opportunities for the other guys on your team. Click cancel now to continue being a dick."?

Anyways, dear readers, the chances of you seeing the rest of our show on the internet are slim, so you should probably come see us live. Even someone as selfish as Ryan wouldn't sabotage a live show. Plus, you could boo all his scenes, except for the ones I may be in. You'll want to be quiet then so you can catch all my jokes.

finally!

did anyone see this?
Bird Makes Love to Boat

Remember Ralph Nader's "Unsafe at Any Speed" and how it changed the automobile industry and car safety forever? This is nothing like that.

Apparently writing asinine emails in corporate/congressional contact forms is something I'm good at. I'll do my best to keep you updated every time I do this going forward.

heavy ants

there are ten thousand trillion ants alive right now and, combined, they weigh roughly the same as 6.5 billion humans. to put the number ten thousand trillion into perspective, if you were an ant and i told you that you were "one in a million," there'd be ten billion other ants JUST like you.

the first half of the above paragraph came from the book, "the creation" by e.o. wilson. the second half came from this equation: boredom + brain = sentence.

Out on a Limb!

Out on a Limb is a column in which I, the author, let you, the reader, know exactly what is on my mind--consequences be damned. No controversy is too hot for me to weigh in. Let's get started.

Many cars are seeing their gas mileage increase, while many other makes and models are not. I for one anticipate this trend continuing.

For my money, the Babe Ruth of baseball is almost certainly more likely to be Babe Ruth than any other player, with the possible exceptions of Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and/or Mickey Mantle.

Speaking of baseball, when everything is said and done, I think most followers of the sport will eventually come to agree that steroids and other drugs had an enhancing effect on statistical performance during the steroid era.

If you like cheese, bread, and steak, you will probably like cheesesteak. Best place to get one? Philadelphia. Or in a pinch, Trenton.

If you gamble often in casinoes, put your money on the house eventually finishing ahead.

This might sound like a big claim because it is, but I feel comfortable making it: the greatest contributing factor to human civilization is the sun.

Nobel Prize winners definitely have something to be proud about!

I keep hearing about this housing bubble. I don't understand what it is, but if you were to seek out my opinion I would tell you that the bubble has to be one of the biggest stories about the intersection of housing and banking this year (thus far).

Trains may not be able to get everywhere that cars can, but you would have a helluva time convincing me that their continued existence is not a net plus. Especially when it comes to cargo.

Can you believe that the Packers haven't retired Bret Favre's number yet? Way to treat retirees--NOT!

There you have it. Watch out Sacred Cows--I'm coming for you! Hopefully next time you, the reader, will join me, the author, Out on a Limb.

A Sad Day For Geeks Everywhere

Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeons & Dragons and hero to inside-kids all over the world, has passed away.

Somewhere, burried deep within the nooks and crannies of my desk in my parents' home, there lives a pretty decent Level 4 fighter/mage.

This is a 4 Power Bar Law and Order

I freely admit to being a huge Law & Order fan. Before those bigwig executives got wise, there was a time when you could watch L&O (that's what we diehards call it) on something like ten different stations at all hours of the day. Now it's pretty much down to NBC and TNT, which is actually fine with me because TNT airs L&O right when I need it on the treadmill.

But they often advertise that they're running a "mini-marathon," which begs the question: what's the least number of consecutive episodes required in order for something to be a TV mini-marathon? And what's the dividing line between a mini-marathon and a full-fledged, staple-yourself-to-the-couch-and-insert-a-catheter-because-you're-not-going-anywhere marathon?

Also, who begs for questions?

Who's the real journalist now??!?

Sure, Radar Online Executive Editor Alex "Scoop" Balk may have broken the Heath Ledger is dead story, but I was way out in front of him on the fart videos story. Check out Famous Original Christopher's Fart Video Post from, that's right, last week. Checkmate, Balk.

wedding planning

All of the members of FourString are in various states of relationship (Sorry ladies, these improv comedians are taken). Myself? A tender young twentysomething who is recently engaged. What I've quickly learned is that unless you are an adamant dumpster-diving San Fransisco neo-liberal, you will get pulled into the logistical and capitalistic black hole that is the wedding reception, as much as your minimalist/Buddhist tendencies inform you otherwise.

This is my current Plan B
- 150 people use teleportation so that they don't have to take off work and therefore have the event scheduled on the perfectweekendforeveryone.
- But you'd be able to bum a teleportation ride off of craigslist. Also a place to crash.
- Jeans and snarky graphic tees for the groomsmen. Same for bridal party.
- My friend is ordained in the Church of Satan. I bet he wouldn't charge. He's a cool guy.
- Ceremony music by a kazoo choir of out-of-work actors. For the reception add a beatboxer (see previous post)
- All moms have to bring their best vegetable dish
- All dudes bring tall boys.
- All else bring chocolate cake
- Gads! I forgot to plan out the reception location! Wedding places charge wicked overhead, non-wedding places just don't have the right amenities. My solution? Pick a slow weekday night and crash a country club. By the time the cops come to clear out the entire party, you'd have already gotten through dessert and the bouquet toss!

Don't even ask about the honeymoon...

something's missing

i noticed that paul's last THREE posts did not include witty labels, which have easily become my favorite part of this blog's posts. i even like my own!

no matter what happens, i'm going to play a detective in the next show.

Hillary Clinton as a discipline strategy...

After the "shame on you" moment this week on the campaign trail, I decided that acting like Hillary Clinton in my classes might be an effective way to maintain order. One moment praising, the next condemning. It's sort of like acting insane while you're being mugged, sometimes your assailant gets scared and runs away, like in the movies. I plan to roll out this new strategy this morning by telling my kids that I love each and every one of them as if they were my own, but if they actually were my own, I'd hit them a lot more frequently for being worthless losers who are fat and ugly. I'll tell you how it goes later...

My Review of the 5 Minutes of the Oscars That I Watched

This is not my area of expertise, but when you're a celebrity and you're going to an awards show, do you not get to see your outfit until 20 minutes before you're supposed to arrive? How else to explain Daniel Day Lewis' brown shoes with a black tuxedo, Viggo Mortenson's "five sizes to big" suit jacket, or the jungle print dress that the woman who wrote "Juno" was wearing?

For the record, I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt while watching.

Please, I beg you, send us email that enriches our inbox

Many moons ago, longtime Four String friend Scott Jennings conducted an experiment to see what affect various emails had on his google ads.

(By the way, I have a creepy, almost supernatural ability to remember the extremely old contents of everyone's blog archive. Please keep in mind while posting)

Anyway, I have another data point to present. Four String Samurai has a gmail account, and in a complete lack of understanding of the utility of such a thing have not given anyone the address. The only things in there are the notification emails for MySpace and whatnot. So what does Gmail make of MySpace emails?



Please help. Email us and improve the discourse (and advertising).

The best possible uses for Congress

If last week taught us nothing else (and seriously, let's face it, it didn't), we at least learned that the best possible use of Congress is to look into sports related controversies. But why stop at steroids in baseball and use of camcorders in football? Here are some issues that should keep the legislative branch busy:

• bat corking
  
• baseball scuffing
  
• NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• 0-0 soccer ties
  
• offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers
  
• eye gouging in hockey
  
• illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions
  
• corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers
  
• use of flubber in basketball
  
• wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches
  
• illegal recruiting among college marching bands
  
• people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet
  
• use of the hidden ball trick in billiards
  
• basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it)
  
• suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs
  
• animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud
  
• animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out
  
• people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage?
  
• eye gouging in bowling
  
• use of earmarks in congressional softball games
  

- - - - -
Update!: I gave Henry Waxman a piece of my mind. Stupid house.gov form stepped all over my formatting! Here it is, with nothing edited except my address.

Mr. Christopher Conklin
XXX ------- St Apt -XX Carrboro NC 27510
Carrboro CA, 90290

Hello Rep. Waxman, First of all, sorry about lying about my zip code! Don't subpoena me! My full, accurate address with zip is up there, crowded into the address 1 & 2 fields. The website only wanted to let me contact my own representative, but as great as David Price is he's not the Chair of the Oversight Committee, so it wouldn't do me much good. You know? Anyway, since you're looking into sports, I have a list of things I'd like you to check out for me. Hearings if you think fit. The list is a little long, so please feel free to split it with Sen. Arlen Specter if necessary. # bat corking # baseball scuffing # NBA officials not calling traveling # 0-0 soccer ties # offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers # eye gouging in hockey # illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions # corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers # use of flubber in basketball # wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches # illegal recruiting among college marching bands # people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling # race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet # use of the hidden ball trick in billiards # basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it) # suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs # animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud # animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out # people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage? # eye gouging in bowling # use of earmarks in congressional softball games So please let me know when I can tune into C-SPAN--or ESPN, right? I bet you never imagined you'd get so much face time on a cable sports network when you got into politics. Given what politicians spend on 30 second spots, it's almost like you got millions of dollars of free television exposure! Anyway, I have more good ideas if you'd like them! Best regards, Christopher

Paul Overton is now friends with Paul Overton

I'm sure this is not a new idea, but I thought it would be fun to invite all the other people named Paul Overton on Face Book to be my friends. So, I wrote them this letter:

Dear Paul Overton,

I am also named Paul Overton and am of the opinion that all Paul Overtons should know how many other Paul Overtons there are on the planet and feel that we are united in Paul Overton-ness. I think Facebook is an ideal vehicle for getting in touch with Paul Overtons all over the world and hope you feel the same. If you do, please do a search for the name Paul Overton on Facebook and send friend requests to all of us. Some of you have already accepted my invitation, and I must say, I feel better already knowing that there other Paul Overtons doing Paul Overton-like things all over our planet!

Yours in Paul Overton-ness,

Paul Overton

Now, if I got that letter, I'd be like "Hells Yeah! That is flippin' awesome!" But guess what? It turns out that most other Paul Overtons are total d-bags who don't want to play in my sandbox. WTF! How hard is it to add me as your friend, jerky Paul Overtons?

If only he had managed to disappear until after the election

According to the NYT, Gary Dodds of New Hampshire "was convicted of faking his disappearance after a car crash two years ago to draw attention to his Congressional campaign." Was the car crash intentional? I'm sure a little googling could clear this up further, but I think I prefer the mystery. I mean, clearly the accident was something he could walk away from just fine considering that he, you know, walked away just fine. And yet he thought that he could believably disappear for 27 hours. In any case, this guy is clearly a go-getter. If I were in a car crash my first thought would not be "How could this further my career? Would laying low for a day or so with my feet in a bucket of cold water to simulate exposure somehow help?" This is why I will almost certainly not hold elected office. Or even fail to win an election and then go to jail like Gary. But even though it didn't work out this time, if he hadn't tried an insane, Three's-Companyesque zany plot and had lost the race, he would've always wondered what could've been if he'd just been committed enough to pretend he had spent a day nearly drowning in a river.

what happened to "at lunch"?

i just logged into my email account and noticed something odd about my chat contacts: listed back-to-back are supporters of two different democratic candidates and they have chosen to set their "status" to an imperative. one of them was telling me to "Vote Obama" and the one RIGHT BELOW was telling me to "Vote Hillary!" (i put little stars next to the parts i want you to notice). yes, that's right, the hillary supporter threw in an exclamation point to get his/her point across.

this was yet another thing online that caused me to pause, stare, and think.

note: i changed the names of my friends to protect their identities and/or political views.

Between a beer can and a hard place

I'd like to treat my wife with basic respect and human kindness. Really I would. But I'm terrified that if I do a giant can of Milwaukee's Best Light will fall from the sky and crush me. And I seriously have no intention of going out like that.

You maniacs! You blew it up!

The government is planning on shooting down a satellite with a missile. I know how this one ends.



PS: Damn you. God damn you all to hell.

Doctor House, MD style diagnosis game!!

Everyone loves the medical drama of Doctor House, MD with it's long words, dying people, and Brits pretending to be American. But what people like about it most is the symptoms. So, for your enjoyment, here is a list of symptoms. And, in a stunning twist of interactivity possible only on the internet (or maybe by phone or post card), you can TALK BACK to us and tell us what ailment you think all of these symptoms add up to in the comments section! At 5pm Eastern, I'll drop by to let everyone know the correct diagnosis and whether the patient survived, and also maybe how this patient could have been a metaphor for one or more of the characters on Doctor House, MD!

Symptoms

• blurred vision
  
• internal bleeding
  
• chest pain
  
• dizziness
  
• difficulty walking
  
• difficulty breathing
  
• external bleeding

Happy Diagnosing!

- - - - -
The solution:

In the grand tradition of internet spoilers, the answer text is in the same color as the background. You have to highlight it with your mouse to read. And please don't tell the diagnosis to your friends who might still be working it out.

The patient has a 12 foot piece of railroad track jammed through his abdomen. It's a particularly inelegant metaphor for sex.

one in a million

if someone tells you that you're "one in a million," you might want to wipe the smile off your face because that means that there are over 6,000 people just like you.

i'm just saying.

Food for thought...

Is somebody, somewhere, mad that Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?

The sounds of beatboxing, enumerated and explained

These are the important sounds in beatboxing:

• Baow
  
  A great big baow signifying the downbeat is absolutely essential. Come with some bass, or don't come at all! I mean it!
  
  
• Chk
  
  A short percussive sound--then again, what would beatboxing be without short percussive sounds? I'll tell you what it would be: talking but without words or sense, like an insane person. Chk sounds really good on the weak part of the beat.
  
  
• ba-da-da-da ba-da-da-da
  
  A big ol' drum fill to let everyone know the phrase is over and about to repeat. Now that's what I call music!
  
  
• Wikka wikka
  
  This is what separates the Fat boy aping dilettantes from the true auteurs. For style points, make a record scratching motion with your wrist while you wikka.
  

Those are all the sounds in beatboxing. Anyone who tells you otherwise,perhaps offering to teach these mythical sounds to you, is a charlatan looking to part you from your money. Moonwalk out of there in a hurry!

add, no, subtract, no, add ... it's beautiful

it's 3:51 am, and i cannot stop looking at this thing...



i feel like i would do anything it asked me to do and i'm going to wait until that question comes.

Give me money now, maybe get more money in return later!

I read an article yesterday in the Times (isn't that a classy way to start a blog post?) about a minor league baseball player selling shares against his future major league earnings. It's like stocks or futures or something; I don't really know because finance isn't really my thing. What is my thing, however, is being the second person to an idea. So as a young man with a potentially lucrative career in comedy in front of me, I'm offering the opportunity to invest in me the comedian now for a potential payoff later. It works just like it does in the article I linked to above but you probably didn't bother to read because I summarized it so well: give me twenty dollars US-American currency in exchange for 0.002% of my future earnings as a comedy writer and/or performer on tv or film. Just so you know, the break even point is one million dollars. I earn a cool million, you get your twenty back. But all I have to do is be as successful as Adam Sandler or Mike Myers and you'll make two or three grand. How sweet would that be for all involved? So by now you're totally ready to jump on board I'm sure. I was going to set up a paypal account, but according to the article the guy got in trouble with the SEC which I think is like the IRS for rich people (not sure--again, finance isn't my thing). So we'll be conducting this strictly on a cash basis. Slip me a Jackson next time we run into each other and give me a large, exaggerated wink, and I'll write you name down in my payback book.

So there you have it. Looking forward to running into you. *WINK*

What's the interest rate on borrowing a baby?

Some time ago, I remember hearing a news story announcing what amounted to being a library of pets. Essentially, people could go and borrow a cat or a dog or, presumably, a boa constrictor for a couple of days. I think most people went for dogs.

While sitting around eating ice cream with a group of open-minded, exhausted, and presumably inebriated people during a friend's wedding weekend back in October, 2006, I took the concept a step further and discussed the idea of starting a business that would allow people to borrow children of all races and ages.

Our customers would be people who were interested in testing their parenting skills or who wanted to do kid-related things like go to the circus, watch Disney movies in the theater, or get first-row Hannah Montanna tickets without appearing too creepy. Borrowing heavily from the Netflix business model, I envisioned an operation where you could rank your preferences for the type of child that interested you, and as soon as that child became available he/she would be shipped to your house. When you were done, you simply had to stick the child back in the pre-stamped package and drop it off in the mail. If you opted for the more expensive option, you could have as many as three kids out at any one time. The idea met with positive reviews in this informal focus group, and my friends even helped create a name for what would surely be a lucrative business: Kidpix.

Obviously this idea is riddled with problems. While it may be easy to establish an efficient distribution system for lightweight objects such as DVDs, it's not so easy to ship children, particularly older ones due to the increased postage for heavier, bulkier items. In theory, there could be some liability issues if children got lost in the mail, but I imagine various standard waiver forms could address this.

But clearly, the most challenging aspect of Kidpix would be establishing inventory through legal means (i.e., no kidnapping). Where does one find parents that don't mend lending out their children for what could be weeks at a time? Confronted by this obstacle, I had to abandon Kidpix and move on to other ventures.

So imagine my surprise the other day when I saw a promo for a new NBC reality show called Bringing Up Baby. The premise? Loving, teenage couples are given adult responsibilities, including having to look after children of all ages.

http://www.nbc.com/Fall_Preview/Baby_Borrowers/

I demand some sort of compensation, preferrably in legal tender and not in children.

I am an investigative reporter: UPDATE 1

During last night's telecast of the UNC-BC game, they showed what the announcers called a "live shot" of Franklin Street. Is that so? Then why was Kerr Drug, which has been closed for a year now, clearly open for business?

Watch out Jimmy Dykes. I will destroy you like those other bloggers destroyed Dan Rather. I call upon my legions of readers to complain directly to ESPN about their misleading and defamatory broadcast practices.

UPDATE: ball's in your court, ESPN.

A Movie Treatment

Congress Dude
a movie treatment by Christopher Conklin

OK so this is the movie I'd like to make. Starring a guy who is a little like a cross between Jack Black and Pauley Shore but cooler. He is trying to register to vote, then a dog runs in and the papers fly everywhere, and an attractive Mediterranean looking lady (like the one Jim dumped in the Office?) in a suit jacket and short skirt has to awkwardly lower herself down to scoop the papers together. And there's a closeup of the lead character's voter paper ending up on the running for office pile. Right?

So this guy has never voted before and doesn't realize that the debates and stuff mean that he is actually himself running for office. He thinks they just want to know what's important to him. But his friend, who's like David Spade in that he's kinda willing to take advantage of a situation for his own gain but ultimately his heart is true, his friend realizes what's going down. So the youth vote propellers him to office.

He shows up in Washington, but then it's Washington State and he went to the wrong place! The next scene is in DC and we won't hear about that state thing again because it's just a joke and not a plot point. Anyway, he shows up in DC thinking that he's so cool, but it's a whole different world and his slacker attitude and hilarious joking don't get him very far. Then there's a montage of his bills don't pass. And the David Spade guy says, "You have a chance to make a difference, if only you take it seriously."

Then he has to pass the most important bill of the congress. And he does it his way. And the whole Congress cheers because the orphanage will survive and the evil developer has to go to jail. And the David Spade type guy clasps his shoulder and gives him a thumbs up. And the Mediterranean-looking woman from voting says "I knew you could do it!" And she and Congress Dude kiss and her foot goes up and we do one of those things were the circle closes around them.

But then the main guy goes, "We're not done yet!" and over the closing credits Hey Ya! by Outkast plays, and there are all kinds of scenes of the uptight Congress guys and Congress Dude and other characters dancing in chambers and the White House and stuff.

So this is my movie. I'd be happy to star in it in the titular role, plus to write the other five or six pages necessary for a shooting script. Just let me know.