This is a 4 Power Bar Law and Order

I freely admit to being a huge Law & Order fan. Before those bigwig executives got wise, there was a time when you could watch L&O (that's what we diehards call it) on something like ten different stations at all hours of the day. Now it's pretty much down to NBC and TNT, which is actually fine with me because TNT airs L&O right when I need it on the treadmill.

But they often advertise that they're running a "mini-marathon," which begs the question: what's the least number of consecutive episodes required in order for something to be a TV mini-marathon? And what's the dividing line between a mini-marathon and a full-fledged, staple-yourself-to-the-couch-and-insert-a-catheter-because-you're-not-going-anywhere marathon?

Also, who begs for questions?

Who's the real journalist now??!?

Sure, Radar Online Executive Editor Alex "Scoop" Balk may have broken the Heath Ledger is dead story, but I was way out in front of him on the fart videos story. Check out Famous Original Christopher's Fart Video Post from, that's right, last week. Checkmate, Balk.

wedding planning

All of the members of FourString are in various states of relationship (Sorry ladies, these improv comedians are taken). Myself? A tender young twentysomething who is recently engaged. What I've quickly learned is that unless you are an adamant dumpster-diving San Fransisco neo-liberal, you will get pulled into the logistical and capitalistic black hole that is the wedding reception, as much as your minimalist/Buddhist tendencies inform you otherwise.

This is my current Plan B
- 150 people use teleportation so that they don't have to take off work and therefore have the event scheduled on the perfectweekendforeveryone.
- But you'd be able to bum a teleportation ride off of craigslist. Also a place to crash.
- Jeans and snarky graphic tees for the groomsmen. Same for bridal party.
- My friend is ordained in the Church of Satan. I bet he wouldn't charge. He's a cool guy.
- Ceremony music by a kazoo choir of out-of-work actors. For the reception add a beatboxer (see previous post)
- All moms have to bring their best vegetable dish
- All dudes bring tall boys.
- All else bring chocolate cake
- Gads! I forgot to plan out the reception location! Wedding places charge wicked overhead, non-wedding places just don't have the right amenities. My solution? Pick a slow weekday night and crash a country club. By the time the cops come to clear out the entire party, you'd have already gotten through dessert and the bouquet toss!

Don't even ask about the honeymoon...

something's missing

i noticed that paul's last THREE posts did not include witty labels, which have easily become my favorite part of this blog's posts. i even like my own!

no matter what happens, i'm going to play a detective in the next show.

Hillary Clinton as a discipline strategy...

After the "shame on you" moment this week on the campaign trail, I decided that acting like Hillary Clinton in my classes might be an effective way to maintain order. One moment praising, the next condemning. It's sort of like acting insane while you're being mugged, sometimes your assailant gets scared and runs away, like in the movies. I plan to roll out this new strategy this morning by telling my kids that I love each and every one of them as if they were my own, but if they actually were my own, I'd hit them a lot more frequently for being worthless losers who are fat and ugly. I'll tell you how it goes later...

My Review of the 5 Minutes of the Oscars That I Watched

This is not my area of expertise, but when you're a celebrity and you're going to an awards show, do you not get to see your outfit until 20 minutes before you're supposed to arrive? How else to explain Daniel Day Lewis' brown shoes with a black tuxedo, Viggo Mortenson's "five sizes to big" suit jacket, or the jungle print dress that the woman who wrote "Juno" was wearing?

For the record, I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt while watching.

Please, I beg you, send us email that enriches our inbox

Many moons ago, longtime Four String friend Scott Jennings conducted an experiment to see what affect various emails had on his google ads.

(By the way, I have a creepy, almost supernatural ability to remember the extremely old contents of everyone's blog archive. Please keep in mind while posting)

Anyway, I have another data point to present. Four String Samurai has a gmail account, and in a complete lack of understanding of the utility of such a thing have not given anyone the address. The only things in there are the notification emails for MySpace and whatnot. So what does Gmail make of MySpace emails?



Please help. Email us and improve the discourse (and advertising).

The best possible uses for Congress

If last week taught us nothing else (and seriously, let's face it, it didn't), we at least learned that the best possible use of Congress is to look into sports related controversies. But why stop at steroids in baseball and use of camcorders in football? Here are some issues that should keep the legislative branch busy:

• bat corking
  
• baseball scuffing
  
• NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• 0-0 soccer ties
  
• offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers
  
• eye gouging in hockey
  
• illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions
  
• corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers
  
• use of flubber in basketball
  
• wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches
  
• illegal recruiting among college marching bands
  
• people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet
  
• use of the hidden ball trick in billiards
  
• basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it)
  
• suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs
  
• animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud
  
• animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out
  
• people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage?
  
• eye gouging in bowling
  
• use of earmarks in congressional softball games
  

- - - - -
Update!: I gave Henry Waxman a piece of my mind. Stupid house.gov form stepped all over my formatting! Here it is, with nothing edited except my address.

Mr. Christopher Conklin
XXX ------- St Apt -XX Carrboro NC 27510
Carrboro CA, 90290

Hello Rep. Waxman, First of all, sorry about lying about my zip code! Don't subpoena me! My full, accurate address with zip is up there, crowded into the address 1 & 2 fields. The website only wanted to let me contact my own representative, but as great as David Price is he's not the Chair of the Oversight Committee, so it wouldn't do me much good. You know? Anyway, since you're looking into sports, I have a list of things I'd like you to check out for me. Hearings if you think fit. The list is a little long, so please feel free to split it with Sen. Arlen Specter if necessary. # bat corking # baseball scuffing # NBA officials not calling traveling # 0-0 soccer ties # offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers # eye gouging in hockey # illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions # corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers # use of flubber in basketball # wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches # illegal recruiting among college marching bands # people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling # race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet # use of the hidden ball trick in billiards # basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it) # suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs # animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud # animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out # people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage? # eye gouging in bowling # use of earmarks in congressional softball games So please let me know when I can tune into C-SPAN--or ESPN, right? I bet you never imagined you'd get so much face time on a cable sports network when you got into politics. Given what politicians spend on 30 second spots, it's almost like you got millions of dollars of free television exposure! Anyway, I have more good ideas if you'd like them! Best regards, Christopher

Paul Overton is now friends with Paul Overton

I'm sure this is not a new idea, but I thought it would be fun to invite all the other people named Paul Overton on Face Book to be my friends. So, I wrote them this letter:

Dear Paul Overton,

I am also named Paul Overton and am of the opinion that all Paul Overtons should know how many other Paul Overtons there are on the planet and feel that we are united in Paul Overton-ness. I think Facebook is an ideal vehicle for getting in touch with Paul Overtons all over the world and hope you feel the same. If you do, please do a search for the name Paul Overton on Facebook and send friend requests to all of us. Some of you have already accepted my invitation, and I must say, I feel better already knowing that there other Paul Overtons doing Paul Overton-like things all over our planet!

Yours in Paul Overton-ness,

Paul Overton

Now, if I got that letter, I'd be like "Hells Yeah! That is flippin' awesome!" But guess what? It turns out that most other Paul Overtons are total d-bags who don't want to play in my sandbox. WTF! How hard is it to add me as your friend, jerky Paul Overtons?

If only he had managed to disappear until after the election

According to the NYT, Gary Dodds of New Hampshire "was convicted of faking his disappearance after a car crash two years ago to draw attention to his Congressional campaign." Was the car crash intentional? I'm sure a little googling could clear this up further, but I think I prefer the mystery. I mean, clearly the accident was something he could walk away from just fine considering that he, you know, walked away just fine. And yet he thought that he could believably disappear for 27 hours. In any case, this guy is clearly a go-getter. If I were in a car crash my first thought would not be "How could this further my career? Would laying low for a day or so with my feet in a bucket of cold water to simulate exposure somehow help?" This is why I will almost certainly not hold elected office. Or even fail to win an election and then go to jail like Gary. But even though it didn't work out this time, if he hadn't tried an insane, Three's-Companyesque zany plot and had lost the race, he would've always wondered what could've been if he'd just been committed enough to pretend he had spent a day nearly drowning in a river.

what happened to "at lunch"?

i just logged into my email account and noticed something odd about my chat contacts: listed back-to-back are supporters of two different democratic candidates and they have chosen to set their "status" to an imperative. one of them was telling me to "Vote Obama" and the one RIGHT BELOW was telling me to "Vote Hillary!" (i put little stars next to the parts i want you to notice). yes, that's right, the hillary supporter threw in an exclamation point to get his/her point across.

this was yet another thing online that caused me to pause, stare, and think.

note: i changed the names of my friends to protect their identities and/or political views.

Between a beer can and a hard place

I'd like to treat my wife with basic respect and human kindness. Really I would. But I'm terrified that if I do a giant can of Milwaukee's Best Light will fall from the sky and crush me. And I seriously have no intention of going out like that.

You maniacs! You blew it up!

The government is planning on shooting down a satellite with a missile. I know how this one ends.



PS: Damn you. God damn you all to hell.

Doctor House, MD style diagnosis game!!

Everyone loves the medical drama of Doctor House, MD with it's long words, dying people, and Brits pretending to be American. But what people like about it most is the symptoms. So, for your enjoyment, here is a list of symptoms. And, in a stunning twist of interactivity possible only on the internet (or maybe by phone or post card), you can TALK BACK to us and tell us what ailment you think all of these symptoms add up to in the comments section! At 5pm Eastern, I'll drop by to let everyone know the correct diagnosis and whether the patient survived, and also maybe how this patient could have been a metaphor for one or more of the characters on Doctor House, MD!

Symptoms

• blurred vision
  
• internal bleeding
  
• chest pain
  
• dizziness
  
• difficulty walking
  
• difficulty breathing
  
• external bleeding

Happy Diagnosing!

- - - - -
The solution:

In the grand tradition of internet spoilers, the answer text is in the same color as the background. You have to highlight it with your mouse to read. And please don't tell the diagnosis to your friends who might still be working it out.

The patient has a 12 foot piece of railroad track jammed through his abdomen. It's a particularly inelegant metaphor for sex.

one in a million

if someone tells you that you're "one in a million," you might want to wipe the smile off your face because that means that there are over 6,000 people just like you.

i'm just saying.

Food for thought...

Is somebody, somewhere, mad that Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?

The sounds of beatboxing, enumerated and explained

These are the important sounds in beatboxing:

• Baow
  
  A great big baow signifying the downbeat is absolutely essential. Come with some bass, or don't come at all! I mean it!
  
  
• Chk
  
  A short percussive sound--then again, what would beatboxing be without short percussive sounds? I'll tell you what it would be: talking but without words or sense, like an insane person. Chk sounds really good on the weak part of the beat.
  
  
• ba-da-da-da ba-da-da-da
  
  A big ol' drum fill to let everyone know the phrase is over and about to repeat. Now that's what I call music!
  
  
• Wikka wikka
  
  This is what separates the Fat boy aping dilettantes from the true auteurs. For style points, make a record scratching motion with your wrist while you wikka.
  

Those are all the sounds in beatboxing. Anyone who tells you otherwise,perhaps offering to teach these mythical sounds to you, is a charlatan looking to part you from your money. Moonwalk out of there in a hurry!

add, no, subtract, no, add ... it's beautiful

it's 3:51 am, and i cannot stop looking at this thing...



i feel like i would do anything it asked me to do and i'm going to wait until that question comes.

Give me money now, maybe get more money in return later!

I read an article yesterday in the Times (isn't that a classy way to start a blog post?) about a minor league baseball player selling shares against his future major league earnings. It's like stocks or futures or something; I don't really know because finance isn't really my thing. What is my thing, however, is being the second person to an idea. So as a young man with a potentially lucrative career in comedy in front of me, I'm offering the opportunity to invest in me the comedian now for a potential payoff later. It works just like it does in the article I linked to above but you probably didn't bother to read because I summarized it so well: give me twenty dollars US-American currency in exchange for 0.002% of my future earnings as a comedy writer and/or performer on tv or film. Just so you know, the break even point is one million dollars. I earn a cool million, you get your twenty back. But all I have to do is be as successful as Adam Sandler or Mike Myers and you'll make two or three grand. How sweet would that be for all involved? So by now you're totally ready to jump on board I'm sure. I was going to set up a paypal account, but according to the article the guy got in trouble with the SEC which I think is like the IRS for rich people (not sure--again, finance isn't my thing). So we'll be conducting this strictly on a cash basis. Slip me a Jackson next time we run into each other and give me a large, exaggerated wink, and I'll write you name down in my payback book.

So there you have it. Looking forward to running into you. *WINK*

What's the interest rate on borrowing a baby?

Some time ago, I remember hearing a news story announcing what amounted to being a library of pets. Essentially, people could go and borrow a cat or a dog or, presumably, a boa constrictor for a couple of days. I think most people went for dogs.

While sitting around eating ice cream with a group of open-minded, exhausted, and presumably inebriated people during a friend's wedding weekend back in October, 2006, I took the concept a step further and discussed the idea of starting a business that would allow people to borrow children of all races and ages.

Our customers would be people who were interested in testing their parenting skills or who wanted to do kid-related things like go to the circus, watch Disney movies in the theater, or get first-row Hannah Montanna tickets without appearing too creepy. Borrowing heavily from the Netflix business model, I envisioned an operation where you could rank your preferences for the type of child that interested you, and as soon as that child became available he/she would be shipped to your house. When you were done, you simply had to stick the child back in the pre-stamped package and drop it off in the mail. If you opted for the more expensive option, you could have as many as three kids out at any one time. The idea met with positive reviews in this informal focus group, and my friends even helped create a name for what would surely be a lucrative business: Kidpix.

Obviously this idea is riddled with problems. While it may be easy to establish an efficient distribution system for lightweight objects such as DVDs, it's not so easy to ship children, particularly older ones due to the increased postage for heavier, bulkier items. In theory, there could be some liability issues if children got lost in the mail, but I imagine various standard waiver forms could address this.

But clearly, the most challenging aspect of Kidpix would be establishing inventory through legal means (i.e., no kidnapping). Where does one find parents that don't mend lending out their children for what could be weeks at a time? Confronted by this obstacle, I had to abandon Kidpix and move on to other ventures.

So imagine my surprise the other day when I saw a promo for a new NBC reality show called Bringing Up Baby. The premise? Loving, teenage couples are given adult responsibilities, including having to look after children of all ages.

http://www.nbc.com/Fall_Preview/Baby_Borrowers/

I demand some sort of compensation, preferrably in legal tender and not in children.

I am an investigative reporter: UPDATE 1

During last night's telecast of the UNC-BC game, they showed what the announcers called a "live shot" of Franklin Street. Is that so? Then why was Kerr Drug, which has been closed for a year now, clearly open for business?

Watch out Jimmy Dykes. I will destroy you like those other bloggers destroyed Dan Rather. I call upon my legions of readers to complain directly to ESPN about their misleading and defamatory broadcast practices.

UPDATE: ball's in your court, ESPN.