You maniacs! You blew it up!

The government is planning on shooting down a satellite with a missile. I know how this one ends.



PS: Damn you. God damn you all to hell.

Doctor House, MD style diagnosis game!!

Everyone loves the medical drama of Doctor House, MD with it's long words, dying people, and Brits pretending to be American. But what people like about it most is the symptoms. So, for your enjoyment, here is a list of symptoms. And, in a stunning twist of interactivity possible only on the internet (or maybe by phone or post card), you can TALK BACK to us and tell us what ailment you think all of these symptoms add up to in the comments section! At 5pm Eastern, I'll drop by to let everyone know the correct diagnosis and whether the patient survived, and also maybe how this patient could have been a metaphor for one or more of the characters on Doctor House, MD!

Symptoms

• blurred vision
  
• internal bleeding
  
• chest pain
  
• dizziness
  
• difficulty walking
  
• difficulty breathing
  
• external bleeding

Happy Diagnosing!

- - - - -
The solution:

In the grand tradition of internet spoilers, the answer text is in the same color as the background. You have to highlight it with your mouse to read. And please don't tell the diagnosis to your friends who might still be working it out.

The patient has a 12 foot piece of railroad track jammed through his abdomen. It's a particularly inelegant metaphor for sex.

one in a million

if someone tells you that you're "one in a million," you might want to wipe the smile off your face because that means that there are over 6,000 people just like you.

i'm just saying.

Food for thought...

Is somebody, somewhere, mad that Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?

The sounds of beatboxing, enumerated and explained

These are the important sounds in beatboxing:

• Baow
  
  A great big baow signifying the downbeat is absolutely essential. Come with some bass, or don't come at all! I mean it!
  
  
• Chk
  
  A short percussive sound--then again, what would beatboxing be without short percussive sounds? I'll tell you what it would be: talking but without words or sense, like an insane person. Chk sounds really good on the weak part of the beat.
  
  
• ba-da-da-da ba-da-da-da
  
  A big ol' drum fill to let everyone know the phrase is over and about to repeat. Now that's what I call music!
  
  
• Wikka wikka
  
  This is what separates the Fat boy aping dilettantes from the true auteurs. For style points, make a record scratching motion with your wrist while you wikka.
  

Those are all the sounds in beatboxing. Anyone who tells you otherwise,perhaps offering to teach these mythical sounds to you, is a charlatan looking to part you from your money. Moonwalk out of there in a hurry!

add, no, subtract, no, add ... it's beautiful

it's 3:51 am, and i cannot stop looking at this thing...



i feel like i would do anything it asked me to do and i'm going to wait until that question comes.

Give me money now, maybe get more money in return later!

I read an article yesterday in the Times (isn't that a classy way to start a blog post?) about a minor league baseball player selling shares against his future major league earnings. It's like stocks or futures or something; I don't really know because finance isn't really my thing. What is my thing, however, is being the second person to an idea. So as a young man with a potentially lucrative career in comedy in front of me, I'm offering the opportunity to invest in me the comedian now for a potential payoff later. It works just like it does in the article I linked to above but you probably didn't bother to read because I summarized it so well: give me twenty dollars US-American currency in exchange for 0.002% of my future earnings as a comedy writer and/or performer on tv or film. Just so you know, the break even point is one million dollars. I earn a cool million, you get your twenty back. But all I have to do is be as successful as Adam Sandler or Mike Myers and you'll make two or three grand. How sweet would that be for all involved? So by now you're totally ready to jump on board I'm sure. I was going to set up a paypal account, but according to the article the guy got in trouble with the SEC which I think is like the IRS for rich people (not sure--again, finance isn't my thing). So we'll be conducting this strictly on a cash basis. Slip me a Jackson next time we run into each other and give me a large, exaggerated wink, and I'll write you name down in my payback book.

So there you have it. Looking forward to running into you. *WINK*

What's the interest rate on borrowing a baby?

Some time ago, I remember hearing a news story announcing what amounted to being a library of pets. Essentially, people could go and borrow a cat or a dog or, presumably, a boa constrictor for a couple of days. I think most people went for dogs.

While sitting around eating ice cream with a group of open-minded, exhausted, and presumably inebriated people during a friend's wedding weekend back in October, 2006, I took the concept a step further and discussed the idea of starting a business that would allow people to borrow children of all races and ages.

Our customers would be people who were interested in testing their parenting skills or who wanted to do kid-related things like go to the circus, watch Disney movies in the theater, or get first-row Hannah Montanna tickets without appearing too creepy. Borrowing heavily from the Netflix business model, I envisioned an operation where you could rank your preferences for the type of child that interested you, and as soon as that child became available he/she would be shipped to your house. When you were done, you simply had to stick the child back in the pre-stamped package and drop it off in the mail. If you opted for the more expensive option, you could have as many as three kids out at any one time. The idea met with positive reviews in this informal focus group, and my friends even helped create a name for what would surely be a lucrative business: Kidpix.

Obviously this idea is riddled with problems. While it may be easy to establish an efficient distribution system for lightweight objects such as DVDs, it's not so easy to ship children, particularly older ones due to the increased postage for heavier, bulkier items. In theory, there could be some liability issues if children got lost in the mail, but I imagine various standard waiver forms could address this.

But clearly, the most challenging aspect of Kidpix would be establishing inventory through legal means (i.e., no kidnapping). Where does one find parents that don't mend lending out their children for what could be weeks at a time? Confronted by this obstacle, I had to abandon Kidpix and move on to other ventures.

So imagine my surprise the other day when I saw a promo for a new NBC reality show called Bringing Up Baby. The premise? Loving, teenage couples are given adult responsibilities, including having to look after children of all ages.

http://www.nbc.com/Fall_Preview/Baby_Borrowers/

I demand some sort of compensation, preferrably in legal tender and not in children.

I am an investigative reporter: UPDATE 1

During last night's telecast of the UNC-BC game, they showed what the announcers called a "live shot" of Franklin Street. Is that so? Then why was Kerr Drug, which has been closed for a year now, clearly open for business?

Watch out Jimmy Dykes. I will destroy you like those other bloggers destroyed Dan Rather. I call upon my legions of readers to complain directly to ESPN about their misleading and defamatory broadcast practices.

UPDATE: ball's in your court, ESPN.

A Movie Treatment

Congress Dude
a movie treatment by Christopher Conklin

OK so this is the movie I'd like to make. Starring a guy who is a little like a cross between Jack Black and Pauley Shore but cooler. He is trying to register to vote, then a dog runs in and the papers fly everywhere, and an attractive Mediterranean looking lady (like the one Jim dumped in the Office?) in a suit jacket and short skirt has to awkwardly lower herself down to scoop the papers together. And there's a closeup of the lead character's voter paper ending up on the running for office pile. Right?

So this guy has never voted before and doesn't realize that the debates and stuff mean that he is actually himself running for office. He thinks they just want to know what's important to him. But his friend, who's like David Spade in that he's kinda willing to take advantage of a situation for his own gain but ultimately his heart is true, his friend realizes what's going down. So the youth vote propellers him to office.

He shows up in Washington, but then it's Washington State and he went to the wrong place! The next scene is in DC and we won't hear about that state thing again because it's just a joke and not a plot point. Anyway, he shows up in DC thinking that he's so cool, but it's a whole different world and his slacker attitude and hilarious joking don't get him very far. Then there's a montage of his bills don't pass. And the David Spade guy says, "You have a chance to make a difference, if only you take it seriously."

Then he has to pass the most important bill of the congress. And he does it his way. And the whole Congress cheers because the orphanage will survive and the evil developer has to go to jail. And the David Spade type guy clasps his shoulder and gives him a thumbs up. And the Mediterranean-looking woman from voting says "I knew you could do it!" And she and Congress Dude kiss and her foot goes up and we do one of those things were the circle closes around them.

But then the main guy goes, "We're not done yet!" and over the closing credits Hey Ya! by Outkast plays, and there are all kinds of scenes of the uptight Congress guys and Congress Dude and other characters dancing in chambers and the White House and stuff.

So this is my movie. I'd be happy to star in it in the titular role, plus to write the other five or six pages necessary for a shooting script. Just let me know.