Horrified/Horrifying

Heckuva Job, Bushie

Laura Bush today said in a press conference that the Burmese junta failed to adequately warn folks before the cyclone struck. Because no democratically elected government would ever dick around while a storm kills thousands. Also, the $250,000 in aide is totally inadequate for the type of infrastructure you need to survive a future storm of this magnitude. As any NFL owner could tell you, it costs at about 200 times that to build a decent dome which is by all indicators the best any government can do for its people during a catastrophic storm.

We call it "Bad Newz Stables"

I don't get all the gnashing and wailing over Eight Belles. In the horse fighting ring Dan Fouts and I run, those poor bastards break legs constantly.

The tenuous nature of politics, or, Scholastic rivalries that 99.9% of the nation could give a crap about

Today's Clinton itinerary:

The two [Hillary and Chelsea Clinton] will also be at Haverford College at 2 p.m. for a "conversation with families" at Founders Hall, 370 Lancaster Ave.

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo! Haverford! If I were there I'd have her autograph my plush black squirrel! Then we could split a plate of sweet potato fries! Senator Clinton totally has my vote!

Chelsea Clinton will also be at Swarthmore College at 11 a.m.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooo! Swat sucks! Gratuitous link dumping on their defunct crappy football program! You've lost my vote forever!

I'm throwing my support behind Jeff T-F.

Out on a Limb!

Out on a Limb is a column in which I, the author, let you, the reader, know exactly what is on my mind--consequences be damned. No controversy is too hot for me to weigh in. Let's get started.

Many cars are seeing their gas mileage increase, while many other makes and models are not. I for one anticipate this trend continuing.

For my money, the Babe Ruth of baseball is almost certainly more likely to be Babe Ruth than any other player, with the possible exceptions of Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and/or Mickey Mantle.

Speaking of baseball, when everything is said and done, I think most followers of the sport will eventually come to agree that steroids and other drugs had an enhancing effect on statistical performance during the steroid era.

If you like cheese, bread, and steak, you will probably like cheesesteak. Best place to get one? Philadelphia. Or in a pinch, Trenton.

If you gamble often in casinoes, put your money on the house eventually finishing ahead.

This might sound like a big claim because it is, but I feel comfortable making it: the greatest contributing factor to human civilization is the sun.

Nobel Prize winners definitely have something to be proud about!

I keep hearing about this housing bubble. I don't understand what it is, but if you were to seek out my opinion I would tell you that the bubble has to be one of the biggest stories about the intersection of housing and banking this year (thus far).

Trains may not be able to get everywhere that cars can, but you would have a helluva time convincing me that their continued existence is not a net plus. Especially when it comes to cargo.

Can you believe that the Packers haven't retired Bret Favre's number yet? Way to treat retirees--NOT!

There you have it. Watch out Sacred Cows--I'm coming for you! Hopefully next time you, the reader, will join me, the author, Out on a Limb.

The best possible uses for Congress

If last week taught us nothing else (and seriously, let's face it, it didn't), we at least learned that the best possible use of Congress is to look into sports related controversies. But why stop at steroids in baseball and use of camcorders in football? Here are some issues that should keep the legislative branch busy:

• bat corking
  
• baseball scuffing
  
• NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• 0-0 soccer ties
  
• offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers
  
• eye gouging in hockey
  
• illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions
  
• corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers
  
• use of flubber in basketball
  
• wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches
  
• illegal recruiting among college marching bands
  
• people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet
  
• use of the hidden ball trick in billiards
  
• basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it)
  
• suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs
  
• animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud
  
• animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out
  
• people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage?
  
• eye gouging in bowling
  
• use of earmarks in congressional softball games
  

- - - - -
Update!: I gave Henry Waxman a piece of my mind. Stupid house.gov form stepped all over my formatting! Here it is, with nothing edited except my address.

Mr. Christopher Conklin
XXX ------- St Apt -XX Carrboro NC 27510
Carrboro CA, 90290

Hello Rep. Waxman, First of all, sorry about lying about my zip code! Don't subpoena me! My full, accurate address with zip is up there, crowded into the address 1 & 2 fields. The website only wanted to let me contact my own representative, but as great as David Price is he's not the Chair of the Oversight Committee, so it wouldn't do me much good. You know? Anyway, since you're looking into sports, I have a list of things I'd like you to check out for me. Hearings if you think fit. The list is a little long, so please feel free to split it with Sen. Arlen Specter if necessary. # bat corking # baseball scuffing # NBA officials not calling traveling # 0-0 soccer ties # offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers # eye gouging in hockey # illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions # corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers # use of flubber in basketball # wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches # illegal recruiting among college marching bands # people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling # race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet # use of the hidden ball trick in billiards # basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it) # suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs # animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud # animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out # people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage? # eye gouging in bowling # use of earmarks in congressional softball games So please let me know when I can tune into C-SPAN--or ESPN, right? I bet you never imagined you'd get so much face time on a cable sports network when you got into politics. Given what politicians spend on 30 second spots, it's almost like you got millions of dollars of free television exposure! Anyway, I have more good ideas if you'd like them! Best regards, Christopher

If only he had managed to disappear until after the election

According to the NYT, Gary Dodds of New Hampshire "was convicted of faking his disappearance after a car crash two years ago to draw attention to his Congressional campaign." Was the car crash intentional? I'm sure a little googling could clear this up further, but I think I prefer the mystery. I mean, clearly the accident was something he could walk away from just fine considering that he, you know, walked away just fine. And yet he thought that he could believably disappear for 27 hours. In any case, this guy is clearly a go-getter. If I were in a car crash my first thought would not be "How could this further my career? Would laying low for a day or so with my feet in a bucket of cold water to simulate exposure somehow help?" This is why I will almost certainly not hold elected office. Or even fail to win an election and then go to jail like Gary. But even though it didn't work out this time, if he hadn't tried an insane, Three's-Companyesque zany plot and had lost the race, he would've always wondered what could've been if he'd just been committed enough to pretend he had spent a day nearly drowning in a river.

A Movie Treatment

Congress Dude
a movie treatment by Christopher Conklin

OK so this is the movie I'd like to make. Starring a guy who is a little like a cross between Jack Black and Pauley Shore but cooler. He is trying to register to vote, then a dog runs in and the papers fly everywhere, and an attractive Mediterranean looking lady (like the one Jim dumped in the Office?) in a suit jacket and short skirt has to awkwardly lower herself down to scoop the papers together. And there's a closeup of the lead character's voter paper ending up on the running for office pile. Right?

So this guy has never voted before and doesn't realize that the debates and stuff mean that he is actually himself running for office. He thinks they just want to know what's important to him. But his friend, who's like David Spade in that he's kinda willing to take advantage of a situation for his own gain but ultimately his heart is true, his friend realizes what's going down. So the youth vote propellers him to office.

He shows up in Washington, but then it's Washington State and he went to the wrong place! The next scene is in DC and we won't hear about that state thing again because it's just a joke and not a plot point. Anyway, he shows up in DC thinking that he's so cool, but it's a whole different world and his slacker attitude and hilarious joking don't get him very far. Then there's a montage of his bills don't pass. And the David Spade guy says, "You have a chance to make a difference, if only you take it seriously."

Then he has to pass the most important bill of the congress. And he does it his way. And the whole Congress cheers because the orphanage will survive and the evil developer has to go to jail. And the David Spade type guy clasps his shoulder and gives him a thumbs up. And the Mediterranean-looking woman from voting says "I knew you could do it!" And she and Congress Dude kiss and her foot goes up and we do one of those things were the circle closes around them.

But then the main guy goes, "We're not done yet!" and over the closing credits Hey Ya! by Outkast plays, and there are all kinds of scenes of the uptight Congress guys and Congress Dude and other characters dancing in chambers and the White House and stuff.

So this is my movie. I'd be happy to star in it in the titular role, plus to write the other five or six pages necessary for a shooting script. Just let me know.