The Drinking Drinking Game

It's so hard to get amped up for a big night of drinking that honestly folks need a little motivation. And since Americans are winners, the best possible motivation is a game. Normally drinking games require you to have some cards or a specific movie or television show cued up. Not so the Drinking Drinking Game. The best part about the Drinking Drinking Game is that all you need to participate is some people who are drinking. Not only do they not have to be involved, it works best if they have no idea what's going on!

• Any time someone takes a sip, takes a sip.
  
• If someone with a cigarette says, "I don't smoke... normally" take a drink.
  
• Any time someone asks what you're drinking, take a sip. If your drink is in a clearly labeled bottle, take a drink. If it's the only option available or if the person asking is drinking the same thing, finish your drink.
  
• Any time someone tells an anecdote about a previous drinking experience, take a drink. If said experience occurred in college and the person is more than five years removed from graduation, finish your drink.
  
• Any time someone raises the roof or says "Woooo!" ironically, take a sip. If done unironically, leave without finishing your drink.
  
• If someone asks you to "Wait right here!" finish your drink slowly over the ten or fifteen minutes it takes you to realize that she's not coming back.
  
• Any time someone changes the music, and the new selection is worse than the previous one, finish your drink.
  
• Any time the conversation turns to politics or religion take your drink to another room.
  
• Any time you finish a drink, get another drink.

Feel free to adapt the rules to fit the peculiarities of the folks you drink with, or to submit additional rules via comments.

Reuters "Oddly Enough" section: a laugh a minute!

Who doesn't enjoy some weird news? After all the "sub-prime this" and "there were no survivors that" which one normally finds in the news, it's nice to kick back with some goofy stories. Maybe a cat made friends with an alligator. Maybe a three year old can beat Wall Street analysts by circling stocks with an Elmo marker. Maybe a cat made friends with a rhino. Seriously, you never know what you're going to get when you hit the weird news section as far as subject matter, but you do know you're going to get a laugh and a reprieve from the dark clouds of the front page.

Let's see what's up with Reuters while I employ the narrative device of pretending to type my reactions in real time in order to make a greater didactic point!

Berlusconi's sexism chafes as Italian vote looms: Hee hee! He has sex chafes! Try a little KY, Silvio. Wait a minute--sexism? That's not funny. Let's keep looking.

Hair salon scalps customers: Umm, this article is about forcing people to stay in a salon for hours against their consent in attempt to extort them for more money after a bait-and-switch on the price of a haircut. But the title is a pun! "Scalp" is a hair word! That's got to count for something, right? On second thought I'm going to move on.

Duck gets "order of protection" after attack: Now this is more like it! A duck in the court system. "Here I have thousands of letters, all addressed to Donald." Miracle on Thirty-Fowl Street! Except reading a little further I see that the duck was a pet and that a neighbor was abusing it and shooting it with a pellet gun. I think I'm going to cry. Ducks are cute.

Witchdoctor killings condemned: I think I know how this will turn out, but I'll at least look at the lede. I've come this far.

Tanzania's President Jakaya Kikwete has condemned witchdoctors who kill albinos and harvest their body parts in the hope it will bring prosperity.

I think I'll go back to reading about the sub-prime crisis.

CONTAINS SPOILERS!

Most people don't know that the shows that Four String Samurai does on stage are actually the shows within the shows, or the "mise en abyme" as the incredibly nerdy might call it. You know, it's the same as the technique used by Shakespeare in Hamlet ("The play's the thing") and Gary Shandling in The Larry Sanders Show and a bunch of other stuff. So the meta show is us hanging around and doing stuff and preparing for the show within the show that we put on stage roughly once a month. We also drive around in a van and solve mysteries.

What you didn't know when you started reading the previous 102 words was that all of that was prologue for this, the release of the 4SS season 5 spoilers!

• A new member joins the group who knows more about '60s R&B, soul, and proto-punk than Paul! Is this the start of a beautiful friendship, or is there only room in Four String for one person with obscure taste in old music?
  
• Ben places Chris on an exacting calisthenics regimen. Has he gone too far, or is this just what the doctor ordered?
  
• The guys learn an important lesson about fire safety from Purple Feather recording artists The Donnas.
  
• It just so happens that Bret is a corpse that only moves when music plays like Bernie does that one weekend. What happens when Eric and his piano go out of town for a few weeks?
  
• Ryan learns to astrally project himself thousands of miles. Will he use this new-found power for good... or evil?
  
• The group has their toughest mystery yet. They can only solve it with the help of this week's guests, the Harlem Globetrotters!

Advice from articles in the hygiene subsection of wikihow.com (The How-to Manual YOU Can Edit)

The internet truly is the great wonder of our time. It's like all of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World combined (excepting the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, which I don't believe to have ever existed--but debunking history is a job for another time). With the greatness of the internet however comes the greatness of responsibility and no responsibility is greater than sharing your greatness. That's why collaborative tools like Wikipedia are all the rage. But lost somewhere in the shadows is Wikipedia's scrappy little cousin, Wikihow. Wikihow collects the greatest minds that are not already contributing to Wikipedia (or about.com or really into World of Warcraft or in any other way occupied) and lets them teach you how to accomplish a variety of everyday tasks in ways you might not have considered. This is the Information Superhighway at its best: written and edited by people who still say "Information Superhighway."

Without any further ado, I present the best the hygiene subsection of wikihow.com has to offer:

• Turn on the tap, but don't wet your hands.
  
  
• Have doctors wipe off stethoscopes before putting them on you.
  
  
• Use 100% cotton gloves. Wool will irritate the face (should you try to touch) and nylon might get a runner.
  
  
• Chances are, your breath is not as bad as you think it is. Ask someone you trust (and will give you an honest answer) if they think you have bad breath.
  
  
• Don't eat food that has been sitting out all day. This includes salads, pizza slices, cakes, sandwiches, meats etc.
  
  
• Get a tissue (paper handkerchief). The softer tissues are great, such as those impregnated with aloe vera.
  
  
• Wear a t-shirt, you can't smell it through a longsleeve shirt.
  
  
• If another person's waste has been sitting in still water for any amount of time, then it more than likely is unsanitary.
  
  
• Draw the floss through the pimple again to remove any residue.
  
  
• Girls do NOT like it! They do not want to kiss a guy with a ring around his mouth.
  
  
• Avoid any thoughts about letting out pee. Do not to think of anything that may make you want to pee more.
  
  
• General rule of thumb: if you have a taste in your mouth, however light, you have bad breath. This only applies during periods of time when you aren't eating.
  
  
• If you have the cash, get some cashmere sweaters. They look nice.
  
  
• It's recommended that you only follow this when it is really important to not have a stuffy nose, or if you are over 15.

Out on a Limb!

Out on a Limb is a column in which I, the author, let you, the reader, know exactly what is on my mind--consequences be damned. No controversy is too hot for me to weigh in. Let's get started.

Many cars are seeing their gas mileage increase, while many other makes and models are not. I for one anticipate this trend continuing.

For my money, the Babe Ruth of baseball is almost certainly more likely to be Babe Ruth than any other player, with the possible exceptions of Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and/or Mickey Mantle.

Speaking of baseball, when everything is said and done, I think most followers of the sport will eventually come to agree that steroids and other drugs had an enhancing effect on statistical performance during the steroid era.

If you like cheese, bread, and steak, you will probably like cheesesteak. Best place to get one? Philadelphia. Or in a pinch, Trenton.

If you gamble often in casinoes, put your money on the house eventually finishing ahead.

This might sound like a big claim because it is, but I feel comfortable making it: the greatest contributing factor to human civilization is the sun.

Nobel Prize winners definitely have something to be proud about!

I keep hearing about this housing bubble. I don't understand what it is, but if you were to seek out my opinion I would tell you that the bubble has to be one of the biggest stories about the intersection of housing and banking this year (thus far).

Trains may not be able to get everywhere that cars can, but you would have a helluva time convincing me that their continued existence is not a net plus. Especially when it comes to cargo.

Can you believe that the Packers haven't retired Bret Favre's number yet? Way to treat retirees--NOT!

There you have it. Watch out Sacred Cows--I'm coming for you! Hopefully next time you, the reader, will join me, the author, Out on a Limb.

The best possible uses for Congress

If last week taught us nothing else (and seriously, let's face it, it didn't), we at least learned that the best possible use of Congress is to look into sports related controversies. But why stop at steroids in baseball and use of camcorders in football? Here are some issues that should keep the legislative branch busy:

• bat corking
  
• baseball scuffing
  
• NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• 0-0 soccer ties
  
• offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers
  
• eye gouging in hockey
  
• illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions
  
• corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers
  
• use of flubber in basketball
  
• wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches
  
• illegal recruiting among college marching bands
  
• people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet
  
• use of the hidden ball trick in billiards
  
• basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it)
  
• suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs
  
• animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud
  
• animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out
  
• people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage?
  
• eye gouging in bowling
  
• use of earmarks in congressional softball games
  

- - - - -
Update!: I gave Henry Waxman a piece of my mind. Stupid house.gov form stepped all over my formatting! Here it is, with nothing edited except my address.

Mr. Christopher Conklin
XXX ------- St Apt -XX Carrboro NC 27510
Carrboro CA, 90290

Hello Rep. Waxman, First of all, sorry about lying about my zip code! Don't subpoena me! My full, accurate address with zip is up there, crowded into the address 1 & 2 fields. The website only wanted to let me contact my own representative, but as great as David Price is he's not the Chair of the Oversight Committee, so it wouldn't do me much good. You know? Anyway, since you're looking into sports, I have a list of things I'd like you to check out for me. Hearings if you think fit. The list is a little long, so please feel free to split it with Sen. Arlen Specter if necessary. # bat corking # baseball scuffing # NBA officials not calling traveling # 0-0 soccer ties # offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers # eye gouging in hockey # illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions # corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers # use of flubber in basketball # wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches # illegal recruiting among college marching bands # people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling # race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet # use of the hidden ball trick in billiards # basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it) # suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs # animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud # animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out # people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage? # eye gouging in bowling # use of earmarks in congressional softball games So please let me know when I can tune into C-SPAN--or ESPN, right? I bet you never imagined you'd get so much face time on a cable sports network when you got into politics. Given what politicians spend on 30 second spots, it's almost like you got millions of dollars of free television exposure! Anyway, I have more good ideas if you'd like them! Best regards, Christopher

My 13 month old son's 5 favorite Clash songs

1. Janie Jones
   
2. I'm So Bored with the USA
   
3. Career Opportunities
   
4. Rudie Can't Fail
   
5. Train in Vain

He doesn't really care for any of Combat Rock.