The Big Game

Play-by-Play Guy: With about two and a half minutes left and the Little Rock Hudsons trailing the Waikiki Vandeweghes by 18, it looks like the Vans will be moving on to the next round. The Stars were the favorites at tipoff, but it will be the Vandeweghes facing the Scottsdale Carnegies in the championship game.

Crotchety Old Analyst: Not so fast, the momentum has shifted in the last several minutes.

PbPG (incredulous): How so?

COA: Well 7 of the last 10 times the ball has gone through the rim, the Hudsons put it there.

PbPG: I'm not sure I understand...

COA: You have to admit, it raises serious doubts about whether Waikiki can close the deal.

PbPG: While the stats you cited are in a sense accurate, the Hudsons hit six foul shots and a layup while the Vandeweghes knocked down three three-point shots. The Vans have actually increased their lead slightly during the period of the game you're discussing.

COA: That's a good point. You have to admire the offensive efficiency of the Hudsons.

PbPG (flustered): I don't think I implied that.

OMA: The Vans can't play in the paint. It's all well and good to hit threes in the semis, but only a team with a good post game can win in the Finals. You need high percentage shots to win. The inside game has been the foundation of the Bi-Coastal Conference for fifty years. They're not going to beat the Flyover Central League champ Carnegies without that.

PbPG: Regardless, the game is decided by the score.

COA (condescendingly): Is it?

PbPG: Yes.

COA: Ultimately though, the Hudsons have the better chance of beating the Carnegies. We've seen the Vans miss quite a few open looks. You think the Carnegies won't exploit that?

PbPG: Mathematically however it's virtually impossible for the Hudsons to catch up.

COA: You can't make that determination until all the baskets are counted.

PbPG: What are you talking about?

COA: The Hudsons had an outstanding shoot-around. It is wrong to disenfranchise those baskets.

PbPG: Now come on! We all knew when we started that those baskets wouldn't count. The Vans weren't even on the court during part of that time!

COA: That's why it's up to Conference officials to step in here and award this to the Hudsons. They can send the Vandeweghes home. They have the power to do this.

PbPG: Why would they invalidate the results of a fairly played game?

COA: Because the Conference needs a title badly. They don't want the Carnegies strutting around. Especially since the Crawford Brimleys of the Flyover Central League have been such abysmally bad champs. This is Bi-Coastal Conference's best chance to win it all.

PbPG: Shouldn't the rules we all agreed on at the beginning continue to mean something at the end?

COA: Hold my headset. I'm going to go move the goal.

FIN

Out on a Limb!

Out on a Limb is a column in which I, the author, let you, the reader, know exactly what is on my mind--consequences be damned. No controversy is too hot for me to weigh in. Let's get started.

Many cars are seeing their gas mileage increase, while many other makes and models are not. I for one anticipate this trend continuing.

For my money, the Babe Ruth of baseball is almost certainly more likely to be Babe Ruth than any other player, with the possible exceptions of Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, and/or Mickey Mantle.

Speaking of baseball, when everything is said and done, I think most followers of the sport will eventually come to agree that steroids and other drugs had an enhancing effect on statistical performance during the steroid era.

If you like cheese, bread, and steak, you will probably like cheesesteak. Best place to get one? Philadelphia. Or in a pinch, Trenton.

If you gamble often in casinoes, put your money on the house eventually finishing ahead.

This might sound like a big claim because it is, but I feel comfortable making it: the greatest contributing factor to human civilization is the sun.

Nobel Prize winners definitely have something to be proud about!

I keep hearing about this housing bubble. I don't understand what it is, but if you were to seek out my opinion I would tell you that the bubble has to be one of the biggest stories about the intersection of housing and banking this year (thus far).

Trains may not be able to get everywhere that cars can, but you would have a helluva time convincing me that their continued existence is not a net plus. Especially when it comes to cargo.

Can you believe that the Packers haven't retired Bret Favre's number yet? Way to treat retirees--NOT!

There you have it. Watch out Sacred Cows--I'm coming for you! Hopefully next time you, the reader, will join me, the author, Out on a Limb.

The best possible uses for Congress

If last week taught us nothing else (and seriously, let's face it, it didn't), we at least learned that the best possible use of Congress is to look into sports related controversies. But why stop at steroids in baseball and use of camcorders in football? Here are some issues that should keep the legislative branch busy:

• bat corking
  
• baseball scuffing
  
• NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• 0-0 soccer ties
  
• offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers
  
• eye gouging in hockey
  
• illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions
  
• corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers
  
• use of flubber in basketball
  
• wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches
  
• illegal recruiting among college marching bands
  
• people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet
  
• use of the hidden ball trick in billiards
  
• basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it)
  
• suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs
  
• animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud
  
• animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out
  
• people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage?
  
• eye gouging in bowling
  
• use of earmarks in congressional softball games
  

- - - - -
Update!: I gave Henry Waxman a piece of my mind. Stupid house.gov form stepped all over my formatting! Here it is, with nothing edited except my address.

Mr. Christopher Conklin
XXX ------- St Apt -XX Carrboro NC 27510
Carrboro CA, 90290

Hello Rep. Waxman, First of all, sorry about lying about my zip code! Don't subpoena me! My full, accurate address with zip is up there, crowded into the address 1 & 2 fields. The website only wanted to let me contact my own representative, but as great as David Price is he's not the Chair of the Oversight Committee, so it wouldn't do me much good. You know? Anyway, since you're looking into sports, I have a list of things I'd like you to check out for me. Hearings if you think fit. The list is a little long, so please feel free to split it with Sen. Arlen Specter if necessary. # bat corking # baseball scuffing # NBA officials not calling traveling # 0-0 soccer ties # offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers # eye gouging in hockey # illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions # corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers # use of flubber in basketball # wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches # illegal recruiting among college marching bands # people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling # race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet # use of the hidden ball trick in billiards # basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it) # suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs # animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud # animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out # people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage? # eye gouging in bowling # use of earmarks in congressional softball games So please let me know when I can tune into C-SPAN--or ESPN, right? I bet you never imagined you'd get so much face time on a cable sports network when you got into politics. Given what politicians spend on 30 second spots, it's almost like you got millions of dollars of free television exposure! Anyway, I have more good ideas if you'd like them! Best regards, Christopher