The best possible uses for Congress

If last week taught us nothing else (and seriously, let's face it, it didn't), we at least learned that the best possible use of Congress is to look into sports related controversies. But why stop at steroids in baseball and use of camcorders in football? Here are some issues that should keep the legislative branch busy:

• bat corking
  
• baseball scuffing
  
• NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• 0-0 soccer ties
  
• offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers
  
• eye gouging in hockey
  
• illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions
  
• corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers
  
• use of flubber in basketball
  
• wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches
  
• illegal recruiting among college marching bands
  
• people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling
  
• race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet
  
• use of the hidden ball trick in billiards
  
• basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it)
  
• suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs
  
• animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud
  
• animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out
  
• people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage?
  
• eye gouging in bowling
  
• use of earmarks in congressional softball games
  

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Update!: I gave Henry Waxman a piece of my mind. Stupid house.gov form stepped all over my formatting! Here it is, with nothing edited except my address.

Mr. Christopher Conklin
XXX ------- St Apt -XX Carrboro NC 27510
Carrboro CA, 90290

Hello Rep. Waxman, First of all, sorry about lying about my zip code! Don't subpoena me! My full, accurate address with zip is up there, crowded into the address 1 & 2 fields. The website only wanted to let me contact my own representative, but as great as David Price is he's not the Chair of the Oversight Committee, so it wouldn't do me much good. You know? Anyway, since you're looking into sports, I have a list of things I'd like you to check out for me. Hearings if you think fit. The list is a little long, so please feel free to split it with Sen. Arlen Specter if necessary. # bat corking # baseball scuffing # NBA officials not calling traveling # 0-0 soccer ties # offensive linemen smearing glue on their chests and arms to slow down pass rushers # eye gouging in hockey # illegal fuel additives in lumberjack chainsaw competitions # corporate jinxes included but not limited to Sports Illustrated, Campbell's Soup, and EA Sports Madden covers # use of flubber in basketball # wide receivers surgically implanting tiny hooks in their fingertips to aid in circus catches # illegal recruiting among college marching bands # people who complain about NBA officials not calling traveling # race car drivers who use extra heavy shoes on gas pedal feet # use of the hidden ball trick in billiards # basketball announcers who still insist on asking after banked jump shots, "Did he call it?" (seriously guys, we've heard it) # suspiciously high success rate of ragtag underdogs # animals as teammates, such as horses who kick field goals and Air Bud # animals but not as teammates, such as the use of snakes to scare runners off the bag so they can be tagged out # people bigger, stronger, faster, and more coordinated than Christopher Conklin--why they dominate the pro sports landscape and do they have an unfair advantage? # eye gouging in bowling # use of earmarks in congressional softball games So please let me know when I can tune into C-SPAN--or ESPN, right? I bet you never imagined you'd get so much face time on a cable sports network when you got into politics. Given what politicians spend on 30 second spots, it's almost like you got millions of dollars of free television exposure! Anyway, I have more good ideas if you'd like them! Best regards, Christopher